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Find peace within and around you

Conflict is an inevitable part of life. Whether it’s the internal dialogue in your head, the tension in relationships, or something you caused, how you handle it makes all the difference! This guide will provide practical principles to help you navigate conflict with clarity, empathy, and grace.

First, understand the root of conflict.

Whether the conflict is internal or external, understanding the root of the conflict—and your personal tendencies in handling it—is key to moving forward. There’s typically the surface-level conflict (what you think the issue is about) and the deeper-seated issue (what it’s really about). The Five Why’s Technique is a way to ask yourself why enough times that you truly understand the problem. Here’s an example:

The surface-level conflict is that you’re struggling to forgive someone who wronged you.

• First ask: Why are you struggling with forgiving them? Maybe because you feel that what they did was unforgivable, and you’re angry about it.
• Ask why a second time: Why do you feel that what they did was unforgivable? Because their actions caused you deep emotional pain, and you don’t feel like they truly understand how much they hurt you.
• Ask why a third time: Why do you feel they need to understand how much they hurt you? Because you want them to acknowledge their wrong and take responsibility for it. It feels like they don’t care about the impact they’ve had on your life.
• A fourth time: Why do you think they need to take responsibility for their actions? Because you believe in justice and accountability and think they should make things right for you to move forward.
• And one last time: Why is justice and accountability so important to you in this situation? Because you believe that in order to heal and move on, wrongs need to be righted. You struggle with the idea of forgiveness without that sense of justice. 

See how asking “Why?” five times really uncovered what you’re truly feeling? It’s a stretching exercise, but it can help you identify the root cause. 

Next, address it in a healthy way. 

Have you ever heard of fight or flight? Both of these are reactions, and neither are super helpful during intense moments of conflict. Whether a disagreement surfaces or you’re feeling triggered, there is power in pausing. Know you don’t need to respond right away, and asking for space to process is perfectly okay! 

Another helpful tool in addressing conflict is the HALT Rule. Simply put, don’t respond if you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Each of those states and emotions can cloud your vision and perspective, so waiting until you’ve overcome them almost always leads to a more thoughtful and helpful response. 

When you do engage with conflict, it’s helpful to:

1. Practice active listening; don’t just wait for your turn to speak. 
2. Exercise empathy by cultivating understanding and compassion. Your truth isn’t the only truth.
3. Ask yourself: “What if I’m wrong?”
4. Discern when to build bridges or set boundaries.

Each of these tools requires practice, so be willing to receive feedback along the way!

Finally, don’t be afraid to apologize and repair.

While conflict isn’t always caused by you, it will certainly be at some point. Acknowledging this requires humility and self-awareness. Jesus challenges us in Matthew 7:3-5 to examine our own faults before addressing others’ wrongs. Asking, “What is mine to own?” and taking responsibility can pave the way for healing.

So what makes an effective apology?

1. Ownership: Admit what you did and how it hurt someone.
2. No justifications: There’s nothing worse than when someone says, “I’m sorry, but…” Apologize and save the excuses!
3. Repair: Ask the person how you can make things right, if appropriate, and strive to do better next time. 

After you apologize, you release control to the other person. It’s not your choice how they respond or if they forgive you, so seek to make things right, respect their space, and allow them to process in their own time. 

Finally, remember the truth of God’s forgiveness. Conflict isn’t easy, and it can stick with us long after it’s ‘resolved.’ Dwelling on past mistakes isn’t helpful, so try to focus on God’s promises and embrace growth. This is best done in community—finding a good counselor or small group is a great next step! 

What next?

Conflict, whether within, around, or because of us, offers opportunities for growth and healing. But the road to handling conflict in healthy ways, especially if you didn’t grow up with good examples, can be challenging! Our free, 21-day Digital Cohort will provide a place for you to dig into these topics more!