If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
1 John 1:8

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It’s a tale as old as time. One person offends another. Conflict escalates. Everyone involved suffers losses. Then, one or both sides quickly protest, “But they started it!” This plays out somewhere every day. Maybe it’s already happened to you today.

In families, usually before breakfast, spouses and siblings point fingers while claiming innocence. At school, disgruntled kids plead with teachers to declare who was right. Colleagues clash at work over who’s to blame. It even happens at church. Interpersonal issues intensify wherever people try to justify their actions with, “But they started it!”

We don’t need much self-righteous pride for seeds of hate to start growing inside. You might recall, Jesus famously confronted a mob of amped-up religious leaders in John 8:1-11. Assuming it was an open-and-shut case, they dragged a woman caught in adultery to be publicly judged. But Christ surprisingly settled the matter by placing truth, love, and forgiveness on the table. He challenged each accuser to throw the first stone if they had never sinned—and they all walked away, one by one, oldest to youngest. The sting of imperfection before God caught up with them. And even if by some miracle they were sinless until that moment, their treatment of the situation left each one with a sin-stained heart.

I imagine this scene came to mind when God inspired Jesus’ disciple to write 1 John 1:8. No imperfect, fully forgiven follower of Jesus can, in good conscience, claim to be sinless. Similarly, taking zero responsibility in a relational breakdown is offensive to God and others. It’s rare for an offended person to respond with completely blameless words, tone, body language, or thoughts, even if they can rightfully argue, “But they started it!”

Today, you and I can practice looking inward before pointing fingers outward. Fractured community happens. Relational conflict is normal. But the degree of fallout largely depends on personal ownership, regardless of how insignificant we believe our sin. Will we gently place Jesus’ truth, love, and forgiveness on the table? Or will we turn a blind eye to our contribution? We’re invited to look in the mirror, examine our hearts and actions, and own our part so God can keep hate from wrecking relationships.

Next Steps

When was the last time you leaned on “But they started it!” instead of owning your part in the breakdown right away? Talk with a friend about how 1 John 1:8 can help you be more honest with God, yourself, and others, especially when working through a relational breakdown.